RELIEF SALE WEEK Part 5: Oh, the Auctions!

I believe it to be true, that there are four major things Mennonites love. The beauty of the Relief Sale is that they all come together for two glorious days. They are: great, yet unhealthy, food; cheap sales (the garage and plant sale;) schisms, and auctions. But the greatest of these…is auctions.

There are four auctions to be savored at the Relief Sale. Unfortunately, they all run together during the before-noon hours on Saturday. They are: the Children’s Auction, which sounds more illegal than it actually is; the Antique Auction, which is my personal favorite; the Quilt Auction, which is awesome but too rich for my blood (and you’ll see why in a minute;) and what I like to call the “Random Shit Auction,” which has all the stuff that’s not an antique, but is too nice to sell at the Garage Sale.

The non-food center of the entire Relief Sale is the Quilt Auction, and it really deserves mention. It’s in the big blue block furthest west on Ye Olde Mappe. Different church groups or individuals work on quilts the entire year to donate to be sold. On Friday night the warehouse is open and you can walk through the wooden racks, where the quilts up for bid hang under clear plastic wrap with paper labels denoting the donators. A successful quilt can go for a couple thousand dollars, or even more. Everyone claps when this happens. I wonder how it is I was born to be so poor. I generally stay away once they start auctioning the quilts.

Another awesome thing about the auctions: they’re run by real auctioneers that can make those funny auctioneer noises and talk really fast. If you’ve never been to a Homestyle Mennonite auction, this is generally how it works at the Relief Sale:

Some old progressive Mennonite is up on the podium making noises with numbers mixed in pertaining to an object that is currently up for sale. The prog always has at least one relative in old order or conservative garb, kind of like his “wingmen” for the auction. Their job is to walk around scanning the crowd, sometimes picking up the object and waving it around, flailing their arms and hopping when they get excited or feel moved by the spirit (of the auction,) and generally acting like they have to pee. (This sort of behavior is frowned upon in churches, but totally okay when money’s involved.) If you are caught by one of these guys waving your auction number, raising one finger, or nodding slightly, they will point at you and say “Haahhhhhh!” This means that you just met the asking price, and it gets bumped up for someone else to try and meet. In the end it’s 1part intimidation, 2 parts hilarity, and 5 parts groovy times. Buying stuff! Yes!

The crowds dissipate with the last items auctioned and food supplies at or near empty. Everyone packs up and leaves; every table, chair, and podium is put away until the next time it’s needed. It’s a bittersweet moment; we’re all sad to see it go, but our systems just couldn’t take any more damn food. We are all bloated like dead deer and no more furniture or knick-knacks can fit in the car. And if we played our cards right, we ran out of spending money around that time also.

That’s it for RELIEF SALE WEEK! Honestly, I don’t have anything in particular in mind for next week. And so…

Mix up another drink for…

????Something????

Tags: Relief Sale