Other “Famous Mennonites”– Debunked!

Guten Tag, Internetfreunde! There are several “famous” names on the list to debunk today!

-“J. L. Kraft, founder of Kraft cheese company.” Not likely my friends. Kraft cheese is disgusting. I am sworn to Relief Sale Cheese. DEBUNKED!

-“Milton Hershey, found of Hersey Chocolates.” Is this list-maker trying to give me a stroke? If Mennonites ever were to be in the chocolating business, it would be fair trade and delicious. Not wax with red dye mixed in. DEBUNKED!

-A couple of professional football players also made it on to the list. Mennonites can play football, we just CHOOSE not to. DEBUNKED!

-“Major Dick Winters of Band of Brothers (raised Mennonite.)” Mennonites don’t shoot, we get shot at. DEBUNKED!

-“Greg Brennamen, current CEO of Burger King, former CEO of Continental (raised Mennonite.)” I don’t want to believe Mennonites are connected with the filth that is Burger King for even one second. In my eyes, the only thing this chain has gotten right are the veggie burgers. Also, I find it interesting that there is a “Brennamen” on this list of “Mennonites” when it was a “Brenneman” that left the Mennonite church to found an equally annoying denomination– the Missionary Church. SABOTEURS! And also DEBUNKED!

-Matt Groening. The site says that “Groening’s father-the model for the “Homer” character- was raised as a Mennonite.”

Now, this is where I must pause. While the list doesn’t purport Homer Simpson to be Mennonite, it claims that he was modeled after one. (Which is innacurate according to this article–look under “Creation.”) As far as I can see, from my limited exposure to Simpsons episodes, Homer is the least Mennonite of the entire crew. If anyone in that family has embraced a Postmodern Menno’tude, it’s Lisa.

I will make a couple concessions to the Homer character and his possible Menno inspired traits. One of these is that his father’s name is “Abe.” In my experience, this is short for “Abraham,” which is a very traditional, very old-school Mennonite name. It’s almost unbelievable that it’s in a cartoon sitcom. The second trait is Homer’s love of beer. Many Mennonites that allow themselves to indulge in alcohol are known for a particular love of good beer. I am not one of these people. (In a later post I will mention the “Beer Olympics,” which took place at a certain Mennonite college I attended.)

In my last post I went about debunking Joshua Chasez Chasez by making a numbered list of the reasons why he’s not a Mennonite. This time, I thought it would be more fun to re-create Homer’s character into one that would more accurately demonstrate a character directly inspired by a Depression Era Menno. His name is Marner Schlabach.

1) Marner doesn’t work at a nuclear power plant. He doesn’t have anything to do with splitting atoms, even if it’s to provide energy and not kill civilian babies. He’s a corn farmer instead. (I want to be clear: most Mennonites aren’t farmers today. But if Homer Simpson was truly modeled after a Mennonite that lived around the Depression Era, he would be.)

2) He has thirteen children instead of three.

3) His wife’s name is Naomi and her hair is a sensible color.

4) He goes out to the barn to drink his beer.

5) Whereas Homer’s weakness is “dooonuuuts,” Marner’s is pie.

6) Instead of “doh!” Marner utter uncouth phrases under his breath in Pennsylvania Dutch.

So there we have it. That is how Homer would be if he were truly modeled after a Depression-Era Mennonite dude. Way more boring, it turns out.

Stay tuned for:

Obscure Mennonites on the List

Tags: "Famous Mennonites"