Obscure Mennonites on the List

I spent this entire week guffawing my way through those on our beloved list that are PURPORTED to be Mennonite, while ignoring the obscure figures that actually ARE Mennonite. So here they are, in the order that they appear on the list:

-Menno Simons, a former Catholic priest upon whose teachings the Mennonite denomination was based. Well no shit, list maker. Thank you for… that.

-Martin Boehm, who apparently helped to found the United Brethren Church. Don’t care.

-“Owen Gingerich, senior astronomer emeritus at the Smithsonian Astrophysical Observatory.” Blah, blah, blah.

-William Rittenhouse, who owned the first printing press in Pennsylvania and was appointed by George Washington to be the first director of the US mint. It must have felt good for Will, touching all that money AND NEVER SPENDING ANY.

But wait? Who are these shining gems??

-Orie J. Eigsti, inventor of the seedless watermelon? I LOVE seedless watermelons!! Finally, a Menno I can be proud of!!

-And Floyd Landis! If you don’t know, he was the cyclist that had first place in the Tour de France taken from him after urine samples revealed elevated levels of testosterone in his system. I’m not going to kick the guy while he’s down. This blog is for fun, not an excuse to be cruel to people. I will only say one thing: seeing as he was a Mennonite accused of doping, I was pretty shocked to hear that they were talking about steroids.

On a final note, I googled and goggled, and you know what I found? The Mormons have their own SITE devoted to famous Mormons! They even have a page on it devoted to bad ones! And these are genuinely famous people!

So come on Mennos! Let’s get our shit together! Be more like Floyd!

Other “Famous Mennonites”– Debunked!

Guten Tag, Internetfreunde! There are several “famous” names on the list to debunk today!

-“J. L. Kraft, founder of Kraft cheese company.” Not likely my friends. Kraft cheese is disgusting. I am sworn to Relief Sale Cheese. DEBUNKED!

-“Milton Hershey, found of Hersey Chocolates.” Is this list-maker trying to give me a stroke? If Mennonites ever were to be in the chocolating business, it would be fair trade and delicious. Not wax with red dye mixed in. DEBUNKED!

-A couple of professional football players also made it on to the list. Mennonites can play football, we just CHOOSE not to. DEBUNKED!

-“Major Dick Winters of Band of Brothers (raised Mennonite.)” Mennonites don’t shoot, we get shot at. DEBUNKED!

-“Greg Brennamen, current CEO of Burger King, former CEO of Continental (raised Mennonite.)” I don’t want to believe Mennonites are connected with the filth that is Burger King for even one second. In my eyes, the only thing this chain has gotten right are the veggie burgers. Also, I find it interesting that there is a “Brennamen” on this list of “Mennonites” when it was a “Brenneman” that left the Mennonite church to found an equally annoying denomination– the Missionary Church. SABOTEURS! And also DEBUNKED!

-Matt Groening. The site says that “Groening’s father-the model for the “Homer” character- was raised as a Mennonite.”

Now, this is where I must pause. While the list doesn’t purport Homer Simpson to be Mennonite, it claims that he was modeled after one. (Which is innacurate according to this article–look under “Creation.”) As far as I can see, from my limited exposure to Simpsons episodes, Homer is the least Mennonite of the entire crew. If anyone in that family has embraced a Postmodern Menno’tude, it’s Lisa.

I will make a couple concessions to the Homer character and his possible Menno inspired traits. One of these is that his father’s name is “Abe.” In my experience, this is short for “Abraham,” which is a very traditional, very old-school Mennonite name. It’s almost unbelievable that it’s in a cartoon sitcom. The second trait is Homer’s love of beer. Many Mennonites that allow themselves to indulge in alcohol are known for a particular love of good beer. I am not one of these people. (In a later post I will mention the “Beer Olympics,” which took place at a certain Mennonite college I attended.)

In my last post I went about debunking Joshua Chasez Chasez by making a numbered list of the reasons why he’s not a Mennonite. This time, I thought it would be more fun to re-create Homer’s character into one that would more accurately demonstrate a character directly inspired by a Depression Era Menno. His name is Marner Schlabach.

1) Marner doesn’t work at a nuclear power plant. He doesn’t have anything to do with splitting atoms, even if it’s to provide energy and not kill civilian babies. He’s a corn farmer instead. (I want to be clear: most Mennonites aren’t farmers today. But if Homer Simpson was truly modeled after a Mennonite that lived around the Depression Era, he would be.)

2) He has thirteen children instead of three.

3) His wife’s name is Naomi and her hair is a sensible color.

4) He goes out to the barn to drink his beer.

5) Whereas Homer’s weakness is “dooonuuuts,” Marner’s is pie.

6) Instead of “doh!” Marner utter uncouth phrases under his breath in Pennsylvania Dutch.

So there we have it. That is how Homer would be if he were truly modeled after a Depression-Era Mennonite dude. Way more boring, it turns out.

Stay tuned for:

Obscure Mennonites on the List

Why JC Chasez is Not a Mennonite

Today I’m going to debunk one of the biggest names on the “Famous Mennonites” list. Number three going down, JC Chasez. As for the rest of the posers on the page, in the words of Frank Costanza: Quiet, you, you’ll get yours in a minute!

I must admit, I was never on the N’Sync Bandwagon as a child. If it were not for the little explanation next to his name, I would have ended up saying “Hehe, Jesus Christ Chasez,” and moving on the the other unfamiliar names. (Because I do this whenever someone’s first two initial are “JC.”) But knowing that this person purported to be a Menno was in fact part of a BOY BAND from the NINETIES was cause for me to address this debauchery immediately. It’s time to set the record strait.

Why Jesus Christ Chasez, formerly of the blight upon society known as N’Sync, is NOT a Mennonite:

1) He has the same initials as our Lord and Savior. This demonstrates a severe lack of humility. For Shame!!

2) No self-respecting Menno takes moody, black and white self portraits. Unless they’re some asshole “artiste” undergrad from Lancaster county. Which JC is not.

3) A true Mennonite doesn’t wear shiny, nonbiodegradable material without a REAL reason, which we see JC donning in this here photo.  (courtesy of people.com.)

Chernobyl produced this material before the meltdown.

Some of you haters out there are all “But dang, mennotable, that’s a B-Ball uniform! They’re getting their game on!” BUT “B-BALL” UNIFORMS ARE NOT PART OF OUR WAYS, HEATHEN! Unless we are actually PLAYING B-Ball and not being posers!

4) Mennos don’t do highlights. See how they make his hair pop out in a Wordly manner in this photo!

5) A true Menno would never write or sing a song entitled “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You.” And he/she would never be caught dead singing lines such as:

“In all of creation
All things great and small
You are the one that surpasses them all”

or

“On you…
(on you, on you, on you, you….on you, on you, on you, you..) ohhh…
(on you, on you, on you, you….on you, on you, on you, you..) yeah…”

As a general rule, we hate vain repetition in music. Unless it happens to be in 606 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tolskYT55R0&feature=related):

6) Lastly, and most importantly, a true Menno doesn’t dance in public, let alone on a stage. Never, ever, ever, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would a Menno EVER participate in such a Worldy, Idolatrous act!

Well, sometimes we do.

Famous Mennonites

Hey! Has anyone ever told you that guitar-god Jimmy Hendrix was a Mennonite? No?

It’s because he wasn’t.

There is a very old web page in existence on teh internets. It will pop up if you are naïve enough to google “famous Mennonites.” The page has a list of barely noteworthy individuals (except for a couple cases,) that are purported to be Mennonite. The sources for these so-called “famous” mennos are mostly long gone web pages and sketchy at best. Why?

THERE ARE NO FAMOUS MENNONITES.

Fellow Mennonites, I am sorry. The truth of the matter is this: Mennonites have never mattered in the great scheme of things. And they never will.

But be of good cheer! I’m taking a couple posts to cover this topic! Fdsakdsajk!

Let’s start off the with people that weren’t/aren’t Mennonites:

Harrison Ford, Nelson Mandela,Tank Man, Tank Man, TANK MAN!, Albert Einstein, Ferris Bueller, Ghandi, President Barack Hussein Obama, Gilbert & Sullivan, my drama lit teacher from high school, Chevy Chase, William Blake, Joe Strummer, Captain Planet, Julia Roberts, Robert Deniro, Marlin Brando, Montgomery Clift, James Dean, Leonard Nimoy, Regina Spektor, The Kinks, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire, Robert Redford, Eleanor Roosevelt and her husband, Watson, Crick, or Rosalind Franklin, Denzel Washington, Willa Cather, everyone else that has ever mattered.

Whew, that sure was wistful, yet oddly therapeutic! Next, people that we’re glad weren’t/aren’t Mennonites:

Adolph Hitler, Bernie Madoff, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Lee Harvey Oswald, Lenin, Stalin, Mussolini, Tiger Woods, Scarlet O’Hara, Vince Vaun, David Bowie, Kahn.

Okay, that part was nice. I almost feel better about myself.