I promised that this blog wasn’t going to be theological, and I intend on keeping that promise. The issue I’m about to discuss, though it is rooted in the church, has little to do with doctrine and much to do with lazy, smartass kids. (Like me.)
It is a well known fact among Mennonites that the Mennonite Church in the US is suffering the same fall in attendance as pretty much every other church. For the Mennonites, however, this is a slightly bigger problem because there weren’t that many of us to start out with. In spite of the heroic wombs of our ancestors, capable of pumping out more Jebediahs and Robertas than I want to think about, the practicing Mennonite in the US is a rare thing nowadays.
This trend is especially evident in my church. If our attendance were to be mapped out like the population rate of a country, it would look like an upside down triangle. This is not going unnoticed by those in the top of the triangle, who are church leaders.
I remember one particular Sunday, I was making Mom happy and proud by going to church with her. After the service I went to her Sunday School class because the one for people “my age” would probably have two other “youngsters” besides me, and they would probably be in their 30s. As I sat with mom it was known that we were having a special representative speaking today, probably from the committee for “Where’d All the Kids Get To?” This formidable matron paced across the speaking space, her eyes scanning the aged church-goers in front of her.
“Young people aren’t coming to church anymore,” she said, wagging her finger and avoiding looking at me at all costs. “I want to know why.”
“We need assigned parking spaces!”
“Shut up, Marner! Now, what we need to do…is know how these kids are thinking! How do we…draw them back?” She looked towards a group of octogenarians to the right of me. “What do these kids want?” She stared intently at the autumn-years individuals to my left. “How do we make this church appeal to the younger crowd?” She stuck her head out the window and shouted at the sky. “Why aren’t we ‘hip’ anymore?”
“I got ‘hip’! I got two of ‘em!”
“Shut up, Marner!”
And that is the honest truth of what happened.
Well, this was all a couple years ago and I’ve had sufficient time to think about it. Not that anyone has asked ME, but this is what I’ve come up with:
-Push the church service to the Sunday School slot and make Sunday School the early-bird one. No one cares about that stuff, man!
-Make more services about controversial topics, like card games and beeeeeer!
-A potluck EVERY SUNDAY. Everyone has to bring a dish unless they are college-aged.
-There is to be ABSOLUTELY NO pecan pie made with LITE karo syrup. Come on man, that ain’t right. Also, more casseroles and curry dishes.
-HOMEMADE ICE CREAM EVERY WEEK
– Dutch Blitz tournaments!
– Racket-ball in the Fellowship Hall. Now, hear me out on this one: RACKET BALL in the FELLOWSHIP HALL! The very rhyme in this phrase suggests some sort of divine purpose.
-Instead of giving graduating seniors the Mennonite Hymnal, hows about you all pitch in to get us a nice car? Don’t pretend like you can’t! And I think I should get one just for making these excellent suggestions.
I’m sure that if every Mennonite church in these here United States employed such changes, those young whippersnappers would be convinced of the value of the Mennonite belief system. I mean, what congregation that has free food and RACKET BALL IN THE FELLOWSHIP HALL could be wrong?
CASE CLOSED!
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