Homestyle Mennonite Popcorn!

No marm, it sure ain’t kettle corn! And although my family tends to like the popped-in-a-pan type popcorn, I wrote this recipe all for myself.

Ingredients:

-1 old microwave

-1 bag of microwavable popcorn

Directions:

1) Get your HUNGRY ON for some POP CORN!

2) Grab a bag of Microwavable Popcorn from the pantry cupboard!

3) DO NOT read the directions! Directions are for wussies! This is important!

4) Set the Microwave for 4 minutes, 30 seconds and leave the room!

5) Watch some educational programming on PBS until you see smoke coming out of the kitchen and smell something toasty!

6) Run into the kitchen in time to see toxic looking yellow and brown smoke pouring from the microwave!

7) Hit the CANCEL button on the microwave!

8 ) Put the microwave on the back porch!

9) Open all the doors and windows and wait for the stench of burnt corn and failure to waft out! (Hint: it never will!)

10) Consider your life as you search for a new microwave at your local Walmart.

Homestyle Mennonite Recipe #2: Chocolate-Covered-Coffee-Beans!

Ingredients:

-Chocolate Chips (I’m going to pretend like it matters and say SEMI-SWEET MORSELS)

-Coffee Beans (what the heck, let’s say FRENCH ROAST)

Directions:

1) Put some chocolate in a dish and nuke it til it melts!

2) Put some beans in the melty chocolate, I’d say like a 2:3 ratio!

3) Coat the beans!

4) Don’t touch the beans while they’re hot!

5) Put one of the Chocolate-Covered-Coffee-Beans in your mouth and eat it!

6) Vainly Attempt to pick the leftover bits of bitter coffee beans from your cheeks!

7) Throw the rest away!

8 ) Try to wash the solidified chocolate out of the bowl! Hard, isn’t it?

9) Consider your life.

Homestyle Mennonite Recipe #1: Stuff-In-A-Bowl!

Howdie! I decided to post something less dense, to show you all how FUN I can be!

This will be the first Homestyle Mennonite recipe that I share with the world. You may want to buy a binder in anticipation of all the upcoming Homestyle Mennonite recipes you will undoubtedly want to print out and save. That way you can impress and entertain your friends with Homestyle Mennonite cuisine.

I’m tired of writing about stuffy old Europeans, which isn’t necessarily a good thing so early in my blog. I’m going to show you all my culinary range by posting a Multicultural Homestyle Mennonite recipe. This particular recipe contains a special sauce I like to call “salsa.” All “salsa” comes from Texas and present-day Mexico. It’s a red substance that can be boiled down to liquefied bald eagle with chunks of freedom in it. In other words: AWESOME. You can buy it in jars next to the “tortilla chips” at your local supermarket. Or, if you’re fortunate, your mommy makes it in the fall while you’re at school.

I hope that you and yours enjoy:

Homestyle Mennonite Stuff-In-A-Bowl!

Ingredients:

-Shredded Cheddar Cheese

-The Crushed Chips That Are Always Left Over at the Bottom of the Bag

-Salsa

Directions:

1) Put some cheese in a dish and nuke it til it melts, but not too long!**

2) Put some crushed chips in the melty cheese, I’d say like a 2:3 ratio!

3) Coat the chips!

4) Add the salsa before the cheese solidifies!

5) Eat it before it solidifies!***

6) Consider your life.

*In culinary terms, “to nuke” means “to microwave!”

**Hint: Make sure the bowl is microwaveable!

*** In groupfeed situations, use a smaller table and long handled spoons. That way everyone can reach the bowl and eat their fill before it solidifies!